Damn Danielle Back at It Again With the Fake Laugh Bachbrack Twitter

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Jordan Belfort: Let me tell you something. There's no nobility in poverty. I have been a rich human being and I have been a poor man. And I cull rich every fuckin' time. Because, at least as a rich man, when I have to face my problems, I show upward in the dorsum of the limo, wearing a $2000 suit and a $xl,000 gold fuckin' lookout man.

Marker Hanna: The name of the game, moving the coin from the client'south pocket to your pocket.

Jordan Belfort: Only if you can make your clients coin at the aforementioned time information technology'south advantageous to everyone, correct?

Mark Hanna: No.

Jordan Belfort: My name is Hashemite kingdom of jordan Belfort. I'm a former member of the center class raised by two accountants in a tiny apartment in Bayside, Queens. The twelvemonth I turned 26, as the head of my own brokerage firm, I made $49 million, which really pissed me off because it was three shy of a one thousand thousand a week.

Jordan Belfort: Brad, show them how it's done. Sell me that pen. Picket. Go along.

Brad: You want me to sell you this fucking pen?

Jordan Belfort: That's my boy right in that location. Can fucking sell anything.

Brad: Why don't you do me a favor. Write your name downward on that napkin for me.

Jordan Belfort: I don't accept a pen.

Brad: Exactly. Supply and demand, my friend.

Hashemite kingdom of jordan Belfort: [Wakes up on aeroplane; finds he is restrained past a seatbelt across his chest] Oh, Jesus Christ. Fuck. Donnie. Donnie, this isn't... this isn't funny, you gotta untie me, buddy.

Donnie Azoff: I can't untie y'all! The captain tied you up, he near fuckin' tasered y'all!

Jordan Belfort: Why?

Donnie Azoff: Why? Yous were, similar, screaming at people. Y'all were on the floor rollin' around and shit.

Jordan Belfort: Oh, Jesus.

Donnie Azoff: You called the captain the northward-word.

Jordan Belfort: I called the captain the north-word?

Donnie Azoff: Yeah, he was very upset.

Hashemite kingdom of jordan Belfort: Actually?

Donnie Azoff: Luckily we're in first class. Jesus Christ. I think you accept a fuckin' drug problem.

Jordan Belfort: On a daily basis I consume plenty drugs to sedate Manhattan, Long Isle, and Queens for a month. I take Quaaludes ten-15 times a day for my "dorsum pain", Adderall to stay focused, Xanax to take the edge off, pot to mellow me out, cocaine to wake me back up again, and morphine... Well, because it's awesome. Just of all the drugs under God's blue heaven, here is one that is my accented favorite. See, enough of this shit volition make you invincible - able to conquer the earth. And eviscerate your enemies.

[Sniffs cocaine]

Jordan Belfort: And I'thou non talking nigh this... I'm talking virtually this.

[Shows 100$]

Max Belfort: $430,000 in one calendar month, Jordy. Huh?

Jordan Belfort: They're concern expenses.

Max Belfort: Jordy, look what you've got hither. Expect at this! $26,000 for one fucking dinner!

Jordan Belfort: No, no, this can be explained. Dad, nosotros had clients, Pfizer clients. Champagne.

Nicky Koskoff: The porterhouse from Argentina.

Jordan Belfort: Expensive champagne and the what, we had to buy champagne.

[to Donnie]

Jordan Belfort: And you brought in all the sides... Tell him virtually the sides.

Donnie Azoff: I ordered the sides, and so...

Max Belfort: Sides? Sides? $26,000 worth of sides? What are these sides? They cure cancer?

Donnie Azoff: The sides did cure cancer, that's the trouble, that'southward why they were so expensive.

Jordan Belfort: [bursting into laughter] Shut the fuck up!

Donnie Azoff: I'm serious.

Mark Hanna: You gotta stay relaxed. Do yous wiggle off?

Jordan Belfort: What? Do I jerk off? Yes. Yeah, I jerk off. Yep.

Mark Hanna: How many times a calendar week?

Jordan Belfort: Like, um, 3 or iv. Three or iv times, maybe v.

Mark Hanna: Gotta pump those numbers up. Those are rookie numbers in this dissonance. I myself, I jerk off at to the lowest degree twice a twenty-four hour period.

Jordan Belfort: Wow.

Mark Hanna: Once in the morning time, correct after I work out. Then one time right later on lunch.

Jordan Belfort: Really?

Mark Hanna: I want to. That's non why I do it. I do it cause I fuckin' need to.

Hashemite kingdom of jordan Belfort: People say shit... I mean like, you married your cousin or some stupid shit.

Donnie Azoff: Yeah, my wife is my cousin or whatever, merely it's not like what you lot think.

Jordan Belfort: Is she like, a kickoff cousin?

Donnie Azoff: Her father is the brother of my mom. Like, we grew up together, and she grew upwardly hot, you know, she fucking grew up hot. And all my friends are trying to fuck her, you know, and I'm not gonna let i of these assholes fuck my cousin. So I used the cousin thing, equally like, an in with her. I'chiliad not like, gonna let someone else fuck my cousin, you know? If anyone'south gonna fuck my cousin, it's gonna exist me. Out of respect.

Hashemite kingdom of jordan Belfort: [to the waiter] Oh, I'thou good with water for now.

Marking Hanna: It's his beginning 24-hour interval on Wall Street. Give him time.

Jordan Belfort: Oh my God! You had to deal with the Golf Class people too! What a greek tragedy! Dear oh my God!, you probably had to pay them in cash with your hands! What a fucking burden, and actually had to do some work besides swiping my fucking credit bill of fare all day? Huh? Cause I can't continue runway of your professions honey! Last month you were a wine connoisseur, and now you're an aspiring landscape architect, Isn't that right?

Naomi Lapaglia: Fuck you!

Jordan Belfort: Don't you dare throw that fucking water on me! Don't you fucking dare!

Hashemite kingdom of jordan Belfort: I heard some stupid shit. I... I didn't even desire to bring it upward. It's just... stupid.

Donnie Azoff: Shit with me?

Hashemite kingdom of jordan Belfort: You know, simply... people say shit. I don't even know. I don't even heed to it half the time.

Donnie Azoff: What exercise they say?

Jordan Belfort: Shit about you and your cousin or something like that. I don't even mind to information technology. It doesn't fifty-fifty...

Donnie Azoff: No... it's not like that. It'due south not like that.

Jordan Belfort: You know what I mean? Like yous married your cousin or some stupid shit, you lot know?

Donnie Azoff: Yeah, my wife... yes, my wife is my cousin or whatever. Merely information technology's non like what you think or whatever, you lot know...

Hashemite kingdom of jordan Belfort: Is she like a... first cousin, or is she...

Donnie Azoff: Aye, no. She... you know, her... her male parent is the... is the brother of my mom.

Hashemite kingdom of jordan Belfort: Mhm.

Donnie Azoff: It'due south not like... Wait. Nosotros grew up together, and she grew up hot, you know. She fuckin' grew up hot and all of my friends were trying to fuck her, yous know, and I wasn't... I'm not gonna allow someone, you know, one of these assholes fuck my cousin. So I, you know, used the cousin thing as like... like an in with her. I'thou not gonna let someone else fuck my cousin, y'all know? If anyone is gonna fuck my cousin information technology's gonna be me, out of... out of respect, you know?

Jordan Belfort: No, I get information technology, yeah, aye, yep. I mean, you're non afraid of like the whole kid affair, right? Like the whole...

Donnie Azoff: What, if the kid'southward retarded?

Jordan Belfort: Yeah.

Donnie Azoff: No, we have two kids.

Jordan Belfort: And they're... I mean, I don't want to get personal or anything, but are they okay?

Donnie Azoff: No, they're non retarded or anything like that...

Hashemite kingdom of jordan Belfort: But in that location's a big chance, right? The whole...

Donnie Azoff: Yep, in that location's like a 60 percent, you know... 60, 65 per centum chance the child'southward gonna be fuckin' retarded or whatever...

Hashemite kingdom of jordan Belfort: That'd scare the shit out of me, buddy.

Donnie Azoff: Look, man... a lot of having a kid or whatever takes take chances, whether yous're fuckin' cousins or not, you know...

Jordan Belfort: What if... what if you... I mean, what if something like that happened?

Donnie Azoff: Well, basically, you lot know, if the kid was retarded I would... I would, you lot know, drive it upward to the country and just similar, you know, open up the door and permit it... say "You're free now!" You lot know? Like, "Run free!" You know?

Jordan Belfort: [narrating to the camera] An I.P.O. is an initial public offering. Information technology's the outset fourth dimension a stock is offered for sale to the full general population. Now as the firm taking the visitor public, we set the initial sales price then sold those shares right back to our friends. Yet...

[stops and chuckles]

Jordan Belfort: Wait, I know you're not following what I'chiliad saying anyway, right? That's... that's okay, that doesn't matter. The existent question is this: was all this legal? Admittedly fucking not. But nosotros were making more coin than we knew what do with.

Donnie Azoff: I'll tell you lot what: I'1000 never eating at Benihana once again. I don't intendance whose altogether information technology is.

Donnie Azoff: How much coin yous brand?

Jordan Belfort: $70,000 last month.

Donnie Azoff: Go the fuck outta here!

Jordan Belfort: Well, technically, $72,000 last month.

Donnie Azoff: You show me a pay stub for $72,000, I quit my task correct now and work for you.

[later, on the phone]

Donnie Azoff: Hey Paulie, what's up? No, everything's fine. Hey, listen, I quit!

Jordan Belfort: The simply thing standing between you and your goal is the bullshit story you keep telling yourself as to why you tin can't achieve it.

Jordan Belfort: This right here is the country of opportunity. This is America. This is my abode! The prove goes on!

[quoting Norma Rae]

Hashemite kingdom of jordan Belfort: They're gonna demand to send in the National Guard to take me out, cos I ain't going nowhere!

Hashemite kingdom of jordan Belfort: [holding his kid] Does Daddy go a kiss from both of his picayune girls?

Naomi Lapaglia: Oh, no. No, Daddy doesn't fifty-fifty go to touch on Mommy for a very, very... very long time.

Jordan Belfort: Daddy'southward really distressing almost what he said in the other room, he didn't hateful whatever of it!

Naomi Lapaglia: Daddy shouldn't waste matter his fourth dimension. And from now on... it's gonna exist nothing but short, short skirts effectually the house. And you know something else, Daddy? Mommy is just so ill and tired of wearing panties.

Hashemite kingdom of jordan Belfort: Aye?

Naomi Lapaglia: Yeah.

Naomi Lapaglia: [pushes him away with her legs] Simply no touching.

Jordan Belfort: Oh, gosh.

Patrick Denham: Nearly of the Wall Street jackasses that I bust, they're to the manor born. Their fathers are douchebags, just like their fathers earlier them. Merely yous... You, Jordan, yous got this manner all on your own.

Jordan Belfort: Did I?

Patrick Denham: Proficient for you, little man.

Jordan Belfort: Little man?

[laughs]

Jordan Belfort: Me, the piddling human being?

Patrick Denham: Let me tell you something else. Honestly, I'm not bullshitting here, this is one of the nicest boats that I've ever been on. I gotta tell you.

Jordan Belfort: I bet it is.

Patrick Denham: And yous wanna know what I was only thinking too? The fucking hero I'one thousand gonna be dorsum at the part when the Bureau seizes this fucking gunkhole. Because, I mean, fuckety fuck fuck, Jordan, await at this thing! Information technology's beautiful! And y'all got the beautiful girls there. It's wonderful.

Hashemite kingdom of jordan Belfort: [laughing] All correct, get the fuck off my boat.

Patrick Denham: I'm sure we'll be seeing each other real before long.

Jordan Belfort: I'thou sure. Good luck on that subway ride home to your miserable, ugly fucking wives. I'1000 gonna have Heidi lick some caviar off my balls in the meantime.

Jordan Belfort: Encounter those little black boxes? They're called telephones. I'1000 gonna let you in on a little secret about these telephones. They're not gonna dial themselves. Okay? Without yous, they're just worthless hunks of plastic. Similar a loaded M16 without a trained marine to pull the trigger.

Hashemite kingdom of jordan Belfort: [dubious] South-then if I, if I sell a stock at $10,000, my commission is 5,000 bucks.

Dwayne: If you sell $10,000 worth of this stock, I will personally give you a blowjob for free

[Jordan laughs]

Dwayne: ... and I hope information technology happens.

[both laugh]

Jordan Belfort: My married woman, Naomi, the Duchess of Bay Ridge, Brooklyn. A quondam model and Miller Lite girl. Yes. She was the 1 with my cock in her oral fissure in the Ferrari, so put your dick back in your pants.

Donnie Azoff: I check my messages every mean solar day when I come abode from work... my answering machine... zero! I got a blinkling low-cal because I don't have shit from y'all. I got my wife... I got my wife checking the messages every forty-five minutes calling the office saying. "Has Brad apologized yet? Is at that place an apology bulletin on the automobile?" I don't have jack-shit. You know what? That's not how you treat people.

Brad: Y'all gotta be a fucking pal... You know what, I'thou gonna give you lot a fucking pass, but give me the case.

Donnie Azoff: You lot're gonna give me a pass?

Brad: Expect, it'due south a figure of fucking oral communication, just give me the fucking...

Donnie Azoff: Oh my God, the emperor of Fucksville came down from Fucksville to requite me a pass! Hey, what are the citizens of Fucksville doing today when their emperor's gone? Is information technology, is it commotion? Are people looting and raping? What are all the little fuckheads doing while you're here?

Hashemite kingdom of jordan Belfort: So you listen to me and you mind well. Are you behind on your credit carte du jour bills? Good, pick upwardly the telephone and start dialing! Is your landlord prepare to evict you? Good! Pick upwards the telephone and outset dialing! Does your girlfriend think y'all're a fucking worthless loser? Practiced! Option up the phone and kickoff dialing! I want you to deal with your problems by becoming rich!

Donnie Azoff: I got a couple of mil' comin' in like a week. And when it gets in, I'll give you a telephone call and you lot come up choice it up.

Brad: Yous'll give me a call?

Donnie Azoff: When it gets hither, I'll give yous a call and you'll come pick it upward.

Chantalle: Well, we don't work for y'all, human being!

Donnie Azoff: Sweetheart, you have my money taped to your tits. Technically, you do work for me.

Donnie Azoff: Jordan, it's fucking good, right? Information technology's fucked up.

[laughing hysterically]

Jordan Belfort: GET OFF THE Phone! Get OFF THE PHONE! FBI!

[swipes at Donnie]

Donnie Azoff: Hey! I'1000 on the phone!

Hashemite kingdom of jordan Belfort: Donnie and I were going out on our own. And the start matter nosotros needed was brokers. Guys with sales experience. So I recruited some of my home town boys. Sea Otter, who sold meat and weed. Chester, who sold tires and weed. And Robbie, who sold anything he can go his hands on, mostly weed. This is Brad, and Brad is the guy I really wanted. But he didn't go on with u.s.a.. He was making so much money selling Quaaludes that he get the Quaalude King of Bayside.

Jordan Belfort: [when asked who is Captain Ahab] The volume, motherfucker, the book!

Jordan Belfort: You wanna know what coin sounds like? Go to a trading floor on Wall street. "Fuck this, shit that. Cunt, cock, asshole." I couldn't believe how these guys talked to each other! I was hooked in seconds. Information technology was similar mainlining adrenaline.

Marking Hanna: And so if yous've got a client who bought stock at viii and now it'southward at 16 and he's all fucking happy, he wants to greenbacks in and liquidate, take his fucking money and run home, you don't permit him practice that... 'cause that would brand it real.

Naomi Lapaglia: Wake up, you piece of shit! Who'southward Venice?

Jordan Belfort: Who?

Naomi Lapaglia: Huh?

Jordan Belfort: Who? Who?

Naomi Lapaglia: Who? What are y'all, a fucking owl? Who is she? Some little hooker you were fucking terminal dark?

Jordan Belfort: What the fuck are you lot talking about? No. No mode, baby, no!

Naomi Lapaglia: You were calling her proper name in your sleep!

Jordan Belfort: Are you out of your fucking mind? I don't fifty-fifty know who Venice is. What the fuck does that fifty-fifty mean? Venice. That's the stupidest shit I've ever heard in my fucking life!

[after flashback of sexual practice with Venice]

Jordan Belfort: That's correct. That's right, I forgot. Donnie and I were investing in a condominium complex in Venice. That's why all this defoliation.

Naomi Lapaglia: Oh, yous're investing in Italian republic?

Hashemite kingdom of jordan Belfort: Non Italy. California, babe!

Naomi Lapaglia: Oh, California? Yous're a lying piece of shit!

Hashemite kingdom of jordan Belfort: Duchess, baby, come on!

Naomi Lapaglia: Don't you fucking Duchess me! Don't you Duchess me! Practise you really recollect that I don't know what yous're up to? You're a father now, Hashemite kingdom of jordan.

Hashemite kingdom of jordan Belfort: Yes! I know.

Naomi Lapaglia: You're a father now. And yous're withal acting like an infant!

[throws h2o in his face up]

Jordan Belfort: FUCK! GODDAMN Information technology! Baby, you know you got real anger issues.

Naomi Lapaglia: Who is the one who flew in hither at iii:00 in the morning on their stupid helicopter and woke upwards Skylar? That was y'all! Doesn't even matter to you! Does information technology even matter to you that I just had that driving range sodded with Bermuda grass, Jordan, and now you fucking wrecked it!

Jordan Belfort: Oh, Bermuda grass.

Naomi Lapaglia: No, you lot didn't research the whole thing and deal with the fucking golf game course people!

Hashemite kingdom of jordan Belfort: Oh my God! You had to bargain with the gilt course people, too! What a Greek tragedy beloved! Oh my God! You probably had to pay them in cash with your hands! What a fucking burden! And actually exercise some work besides swiping my fucking credit card all mean solar day, huh? Because I can't keep track of your professions, honey. Concluding calendar month yous were a wine connoisseur, at present you're an aspiring landscape architect. Let me get that right.

Naomi Lapaglia: Fuck you!

Hashemite kingdom of jordan Belfort: Don't fucking dare throw that fucking water at me. Don't you fucking dare.

Max Belfort: Jordy, one of these days the chickens are gonna come up home to roost.

Hashemite kingdom of jordan Belfort: You lot're lookin' at me like I'm crazy.

Max Belfort: Crazy? This is obscene!

Jordan Belfort: [voice over] It was obscene, in the normal world. I mean, who the fuck wanted to live there?

Donnie Azoff: [peeing on his subpoena] Fuck you, UsaA. Fuck you, UsaA. Fuck yous! Fuck you!

Naomi Lapaglia: I want a divorce.

Jordan Belfort: What practise yous mean you want a divorce? What is that supposed to hateful, yous want a divorce?

Naomi Lapaglia: Get off me! I want a divorce. Get off.

Jordan Belfort: You only made honey to me. What the fuck is wrong with you lot?

Naomi Lapaglia: I don't dearest you anymore, Jordan!

Jordan Belfort: Oh, you don't honey me? You don't love me anymore, huh? Well isn't that just fucking convenient for you! Now that I'm under federal indictment with an electronic bracelet around my ankle, now y'all decide y'all don't fucking love me anymore. Is that right?

Naomi Lapaglia: No, no.

Jordan Belfort: What kind of person are you lot? Tell me.

Naomi Lapaglia: You married me!

Jordan Belfort: What the fuck is that supposed to mean?

Naomi Lapaglia: Hashemite kingdom of jordan, this is how information technology'due south gonna get. I'm gonna take custody of the kids. If y'all concord to the divorce right at present, I volition permit visitation. Okay? Don't try to fight it.

Jordan Belfort: Oh my God.

Naomi Lapaglia: It will salve united states of america both a lot of money and I got a feeling yous're gonna need it.

Jordan Belfort: You're non taking my kids, sweetheart. You hear me?

Naomi Lapaglia: I've already talked to the lawyer. He said even if you don't become convicted I've got a good chance of getting them.

Jordan Belfort: I got news for you. Yous're not fucking taking my children you vicious fucking cunt, yous!

[Naomi slaps Hashemite kingdom of jordan and he slaps her back]

Jordan Belfort: Fuck you! You fucking bitch! You're not fucking taking my goddamn fucking kids! You hear me? Fuck you! You're not fucking taking my fucking kids! Fucking whore.

Naomi Lapaglia: [Sees Jordan snorting cocaine] Look at yourself, Jordan. Y'all're sick! You're a ill man!

Jordan Belfort: Fuck you! I told yous, you're not taking my fucking kids.

Naomi Lapaglia: You recollect I would let my kids about you? Await at yourself! Yous know what my lawyer said? My lawyer said that you're going to prison for 20 years, Jordan! Twenty fucking years! You're never gonna see the kids over again! No, I'm non fucking letting y'all near my kids!

Hashemite kingdom of jordan Belfort: You don't think I'k gonna see my fucking kids again, huh?

[last lines]

Hashemite kingdom of jordan Belfort: I'yard not ashamed to admit information technology: my beginning fourth dimension in prison, I was terrified. For a moment, I had forgotten I lived in a globe where everything was for sale. Wouldn't you like to know how to sell it?

Mark Hanna: Number ane dominion of Wall Street. Nobody - and I don't care if you're Warren Buffet or if you're Jimmy Buffet - nobody knows if a stock is going to go up, down, sideways or in circles. You lot know what a fugazi is?

Hashemite kingdom of jordan Belfort: Fugayzi, information technology's a fake.

Marking Hanna: Fugayzi, fugazi. It's a whazy. It's a woozie. It's fairy dust. Information technology doesn't be. It's never landed. Information technology is no affair. It'south not on the elemental chart. Information technology's not fucking existent.

Jordan Belfort: Subsequently 15 years in storage, the lemmons had developed a delayed fuse. It took 90 minutes for these fuckers to boot in but once they did, *pow.* And I had skipped the tingle phase and jumped straight to the drool phase. These little bastards were and so strong I had discovered a whole new phase. The Cerebral Palsy phase.

Max Belfort: [hears a phone] Who the fuck has the goddamn gall to phone call this house on a Tuesday night? God damn it!

Leah Belfort: [watching Telly] Y'all're gonna miss it!

Max Belfort: Tell me something I don't know, I wait all week for the fucking Blaster and they have to fucking...

[picks upwards the phone, and so calmly, in a transatlantic accent]

Max Belfort: Hello?... Jean? How are you, Jean?... Righto, Jean, that'll be great... Cheerio!

[Hangs upwardly. Explodes]

Max Belfort: Fucking half-wit!

Leah Belfort: Y'all missed it!

Max Belfort: [Furious] God damn it!

Jordan Belfort: Even though I ain 85% of Steve Cocksucking Motherfucking Madden Shoes, the shares were in his fucking name!

Jordan Belfort: Hello, John. How are you doing today? You lot mailed in my company a postcard a few weeks back, requesting information on penny stocks that had huge upside potential with very little downside take a chance. Does that ring a bong?

John: Yeah, I may have sent something.

Jordan Belfort: Okay, dandy. The reason for the telephone call today, John, is something only came beyond my desk-bound, John. It is perhaps the best thing I've seen in the last six months. If you have 60 seconds, I'd like to share the idea with yous. Y'all got a minute?

John: Actually, I'm really very...

Jordan Belfort: The proper noun of the company, Aerotyne International. Information technology is a cut border loftier-tech firm out of the Midwest, pending imminent patent approval on the next generation of radar detectors that have both huge military and civilian applications. Now, right now, John, the stock trades over-the-counter at 10 cents a share. And past the way, John, our analysts indicate it could go a heck of a lot higher than that. Your profit on a mere $half-dozen,000 investment could exist upwards of $60,000!

John: Jesus! That's my mortgage, man.

Jordan Belfort: Exactly. You lot could pay off your mortgage.

John: This stock will pay off my business firm?

Jordan Belfort: John, one thing I can promise you, even in this marketplace, is that I never ask my clients to estimate me on my winners. I ask them to judge me on my losers, because I have so few. And in the case of Aerotyne, based on every technical gene out there, John, we are looking at a 1000 slam home run.

John: Okay, permit's do it. I'll do four thou.

Hashemite kingdom of jordan Belfort: $4,000? That'd be 40,000 shares, John. Let me lock in that merchandise correct at present and go back to you with my secretary with an verbal confirmation. Sound good, John?

John: Yeah, sounds skillful.

Jordan Belfort: Great. Hey, John. Thank you for your vote of confidence and welcome to the Investor's Middle.

Patrick Denham: I'm sure we'll exist seeing each other real soon.

Hashemite kingdom of jordan Belfort: I'g certain. Good luck on that subway ride habitation to your miserable ugly fuckin' wives. I'chiliad gonna have Heidi lick some caviar off my balls in the meantime.

Jordan Belfort: [Furious about newspaper commodity] That conniving twat! Look at this! The wolf of Wall Street they telephone call me! Expect!

Teresa Petrillo: There is no such thing every bit bad publicity. Your pilus looks expert.

Jordan Belfort: Every person around here, they want to go rich and they desire to go rich quickly. They all want something for nothing.

Alden Kupferberg: There was this ane time I was selling pot to this Amish dude. You know those guys who got like the beard with, like, no mustache or some bullshit? Well, he says that he only wants to make piece of furniture.

Robbie Feinberg ('Pinhead'): I don't empathize

Jordan Belfort: What the fuck are you talking about?

Alden Kupferberg: I'm non putting words in your mouth or cipher, merely yous just said that everybody wants to get rich.

Robbie Feinberg ('Pinhead'): Holy fuck, you did just say that.

Jordan Belfort: What the fuck are you talking almost?

Alden Kupferberg: Yeah, like Buddhists. They don't give a shit most money. They're wrapped in sheets. They're not buying shit.

Jordan Belfort: I'g not talking most Buddhists or Amish. I'yard talking about normal people, working-class everyday people. Everyone wants to get rich. Am I crazy?

Chester Ming: In that location's no such matter as an Amish Buddhist. I'thousand pretty fucking sure.

Robbie Feinberg ('Pinhead'): There could be.

Jordan Belfort: Practise you guys not want to make coin?

Alden Kupferberg: [All at once] I desire to make money.

Marker Hanna: You jerk off?

Hashemite kingdom of jordan Belfort: Do I... Do I I jerk off? Yeah, yeah I jerk off. Yes.

Mark Hanna: How many times a week?

Jordan Belfort: Like, um, three or four. Three or four times, maybe five.

Mark Hanna: Gotta pump those numbers upward. Those are rookie numbers in this racket. I myself, I jerk off at to the lowest degree twice a solar day.

Jordan Belfort: Wow.

Marker Hanna: In one case in the morning, right after I work out, then once right afterwards luncheon.

Jordan Belfort: Really?

Mark Hanna: I desire to. That'south not why I practise information technology. I do information technology 'crusade I fucking *need* to. Think about it. You're dealing with numbers. All day long, decimal points, loftier frequencies. Bang, bang, bang.

[imitates squeaking]

Marking Hanna: fucking digits. All very acidic above-the-shoulders mustard shit. All right? It kind of wigs some people out. Correct? Y'all gotta feed the geese to keep the blood flowing. I keep the rhythm below the belt.

Hashemite kingdom of jordan Belfort: Done.

Mark Hanna: This is not a tip, this is a prescription. Trust me. If you don't, you will autumn out of remainder, split up your differential and tip the fuck over. Or worse yet, I've seen this happen, implode.

Jordan Belfort: No, I don't wanna implode, sir.

Marking Hanna: No. No, y'all don't.

Hashemite kingdom of jordan Belfort: I'm in this for the long run, you know?

Mark Hanna: Implosions are ugly. Pop off to the bathroom, work ane out any fourth dimension you tin. When you go really skilful at it, you'll fucking exist stroking and yous'll be thinking about coin.

[first lines, in an advertisement]

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Aunt Emma: Risk is what keeps us immature, isn't it, darling?

Hashemite kingdom of jordan Belfort: [on getting arrested] I'm sober for two years, stopped my drugs, settled down with my wife and kids, and then this happens! Rugrat gets busted down in Miami, and guess who happens to be with him? Saurel! That'south right, out of all the Swiss bankers in Miami, it had to be him! Even more than fucked, is that he got busted for shit that had nothing to exercise with me. Information technology had nothing to fucking do with me! Some stuff about running drugs with Rocky Aoki, y'all know, the founder of Benihana? Benihana... Beni-fucking-hana? BENI-FUCKING-HANA? WHY? WHY, GOD? Why would Y'all be so cruel as to use the male monarch of Japanese restaurants to take me down?

Brad: [Donnie haphazardly gets out from car] Put the fucking car in the park, you impaired fucking idiot!

Donnie Azoff: [slurred spoken communication] I tin't... I can't shut this briefcase.

Brad: Ane fucking day. One fucking mean solar day, you couldn't keep it together?

Donnie Azoff: I'grand fucked up, Brad. Fucked up.

Brad: Gotta exist fucking kidding me.

Donnie Azoff: [stands upward tall, smiling] It's a joke!

Brad: Information technology'south a joke?

Donnie Azoff: I'm sober.

Brad: Jesus fucking Christ!

Jordan Belfort: [after shipwreck] The dainty affair about being rescued by Italians is that they feed you, make you beverage red wine, then y'all get to dance.

Donnie Azoff: I don't wanna die, Jordan! I've done a lot of bad shit, I'm going to hell!

Jordan Belfort: Give me a buss, sweetheart.

Naomi Lapaglia: Jordan.

Jordan Belfort: Oh come up on, baby. I oasis't made dear to you lot in and then long.

Naomi Lapaglia: No.

Hashemite kingdom of jordan Belfort: Delight.

Naomi Lapaglia: Jordan, end it.

[Hashemite kingdom of jordan continues kissing her]

Naomi Lapaglia: No! Jordan, end it!

Jordan Belfort: [flashes to Hashemite kingdom of jordan having sex with Naomi] I dearest y'all so much.

Naomi Lapaglia: I fucking hate you, Jordan! Get off me!

Hashemite kingdom of jordan Belfort: No, baby. Don't exercise that. You know how much I love you, correct? Stop that sweetie, please?

Naomi Lapaglia: [pauses] Yous wanna fuck me, Jordan? You lot wanna fuck me? Proficient. Become at information technology. Become ahead and fuck me. I desire you to fuck me real difficult. I want yous to fuck me like information technology's the last fucking time. Come on.

Jordan Belfort: Babe, why yous doing it like that?

Naomi Lapaglia: Because I want you to come for me, baby.

Hashemite kingdom of jordan Belfort: Come up on, infant.

Naomi Lapaglia: Come for me, infant. I want you to come for me like it'due south the last fucking fourth dimension.

Jordan Belfort: Yeah?

Naomi Lapaglia: Yes! Come up on, baby. Come for me. Come on, baby.

Jordan Belfort: Yeah? Want me to come for you?

Naomi Lapaglia: Yes.

[Jordan forcefully finishes]

Hashemite kingdom of jordan Belfort: Oh God! Oh!

[laughing]

Jordan Belfort: Oh baby. That was so fucking dandy.

Naomi Lapaglia: That was the last time.

Hashemite kingdom of jordan Belfort: What do you hateful, baby?

Naomi Lapaglia: I mean that was the last time nosotros e'er have sexual practice.

Mark Hanna: We don't start dialing at 9:30, because our clients are already answering the phone! 3... ii... 1, let's fuck!

Jordan Belfort: The Quaalude, or lude, as it is unremarkably referred to, was first synthesized in 1951 by an Indian dr. - that's dots, not feathers - equally a sedative, and was prescribed to stressed-out housewives with slumber disorders. But pretty soon, somebody figured out that if you resisted the urge to slumber for just fifteen minutes, you lot got a pretty boot-ass high from it. Didn't take long for people to start abusing ludes, of course, and in 1982 the U.South. government "Schedule 1'd" them, along with the remainder of the earth. Which meant there was merely a finite amount of these things left. No shit. You tin't even buy them anymore. Y'all people are all shit out of luck.

Donnie Azoff: You're a fucking pill dealer. I got v more just like yous, bro.

Brad: Proceed talking, yous fucking slice of shit!

Donnie Azoff: And you know what else? You lot dress like shit, so fuck yous!

Brad: Fucking motherfucker!

[knocks Donnie unconscious]

Jordan Belfort: Oh! Jesus!

Brad: How well-nigh that, faggot? Who's a faggot?

Jordan Belfort: [checks on Donnie] You okay? Hey, pal.

Jordan Belfort: Expect, I knew these guys weren't like Harvard MBAs. Robbie Feinberg, the Pinhead, took v years to terminate high schoolhouse. Alden Kupferberg, the Sea Otter, didn't even graduate. Chester Ming, the depraved Prc human being, thought jujitsu was in State of israel. Smartest of the bunch was Nicky Koskoff. He actually went to constabulary school. I called him Rugrat considering of his piece of shit hairpiece. Nevertheless, give them to me young, hungry, and stupid, and in no time, I'll make 'em rich.

Jordan Belfort: Mr. Hanna, y'all're able to do drugs during the twenty-four hours and and so still function, notwithstanding practice your job?

Mark Hanna: How the fuck else are you lot supposed to do this job? Cocaine and hookers, my friend.

Hashemite kingdom of jordan Belfort: So you listen to me and you listen well. Are y'all behind on your credit carte du jour bills? Good! Pick upwards the phone and showtime dialing! Is your landlord gear up to evict you? Good! Pick upward the phone and kickoff dialing! Does your girlfriend think y'all're a fucking worthless loser? Good! Pick up the phone and start dialing! I desire you to deal with your problems by becoming rich! All you have to do today is pick up that telephone and speak the words that I have taught you. And I will brand you richer than the most powerful CEO in the United states of america of fucking America!

Jordan Belfort: [narration] Say what you lot will, simply the Duchess did have way. She brought in a decorator, feng shui'd the whole identify. She fifty-fifty hired a gay butler. This guy was smart, sophisticated, professional. Really, really corking. Except for that one fourth dimension.

Naomi Lapaglia: [Naomi walks in on a gay orgy] Oh my God!

Nicholas the Butler: Oh, hey. Is it Wed already? Uh, what the fuck! That is fucked up!

Naomi Lapaglia: [to Hashemite kingdom of jordan after the incident] He must have thought we were still at the Hamptons this weekend, y'all know.

Hashemite kingdom of jordan Belfort: Right, correct. Where were they doing information technology, sweetheart? In the chamber?

Naomi Lapaglia: They were everywhere! At that place were two guys over there on the table. There were more than over hither. There were four right here.

Jordan Belfort: Ugh! Are you fucking serious? Correct in that location? Why didn't you tell me, sweetheart?

Naomi Lapaglia: Baby, it gets worse. After they left I checked the apartment.

Chester Ming: I tin can sell annihilation. Shit, I can sell lubes to a convent full of nuns, become 'em so horny they'll be fucking each other in the coffers.

Donnie Azoff: [raves at Brad] Yous're gonna knock whose fucking teeth in? Whose fucking teeth are you gonna knock in? I put the money on that fucking table, non you!

Jordan Belfort: He'southward got a gun, you fucking idiot!

Donnie Azoff: Fuck his gun!

Jordan Belfort: [Sees a immature banker cleaning his fishbowl] What the fuck is that child doing? What's he doing?

Donnie Azoff: The biggest IPO in this firm'south history, what the fuck is he doing?

Janet (Jordan's Banana): Is he... is he wearing a bowtie?

Donnie Azoff: [Approaches the guy] Hi, how you doing?

Stratton Broker in a Bowtie: [timid] Good.

Donnie Azoff: Y'all cleaning your fishbowl?

Stratton Broker in a Bowtie: I but, I had a minute and I...

Donnie Azoff: Y'all had a minute? And today, you needed to clean your fishbowl, today?

Stratton Broker in a Bowtie: I finished my paperwork and I was, merely had a couple minutes.

Donnie Azoff: Okay, dainty to see you.

[Pretends to walk away, but suddenly turns back]

Donnie Azoff: On new issue twenty-four hours? On cocksucking, motherfucking new outcome mean solar day? This is what you lot practise? Hey, everybody, listen upwardly! This is what happens when you fuck with your pets on new issue twenty-four hour period!

[Dangles the fish from the bowl by its tail and swallows it]

Donnie Azoff: Take your little bowtie... Get your shit, and get the fuck out of my part. You sympathise?

Jordan Belfort: Become the fuck out!

Donnie Azoff: Everybody on signal! We are here to make money! Everybody on point!

Jordan Belfort: A real wolf pit, which is exactly how I liked information technology.

Jordan Belfort: Her pussy was like heroin to me. And it wasn't just most the sex either. Naomi and I got along. I hateful, we had similar interests and shit.

Jordan Belfort: And in the case of the telephone, it's up to each and every one of y'all, my highly-trained Strattonites. My killers, my killers who will not take no for an respond. My fucking warriors, who will not hang upward the telephone until their client either buys *or fucking dies!*

Jordan Belfort: You lot exist ferocious! Yous exist relentless! You be telephone fucking terrorists! At present let's knock this motherfucker out of the park!

Donnie Azoff: [masturbates to Naomi] Perfect...

Hildy Azoff: Donnie, what the fuck are you doing, y'all piece of shit?

[beats downwards Donnie]

Jordan Belfort: [to Naomi] You take to excuse my friend.

Naomi Lapaglia: Adept morning, daddy. Where's my kiss?

Hashemite kingdom of jordan Belfort: Hey, sweetheart! Does daddy get a buss from both of his little girls, huh?

Naomi Lapaglia: Oh no. No, daddy doesn't even get to bear upon mommy for a very, very, very long time.

Jordan Belfort: Daddy's really sad most what he said in the other room. He didn't hateful any of information technology.

Naomi Lapaglia: Daddy shouldn't waste his time. And from now on, information technology's gonna exist nothing but short, short skirts around the firm. And you know something else, daddy? Mommy is just so sick and tired of wearing panties.

Jordan Belfort: Yeah?

Naomi Lapaglia: Yeah. In fact, she'southward decided to throw them all away.

[opens legs]

Naomi Lapaglia: And so take a good wait, daddy. You lot're gonna exist seeing an atrocious lot of this around the house.

Hashemite kingdom of jordan Belfort: Oh, baby. Yeah mommy.

Naomi Lapaglia: But no touching.

Jordan Belfort: Ow.

Naomi Lapaglia: What'south incorrect, daddy?

Jordan Belfort: Mmm, baby. Okay, mommy likes to play games with daddy. Mommy, have you lot ever noticed anything odd about Mr. Fuzzy Bear over there? His optics seem to be a little bit odd, don't they? Yes, at that place's something a little flake different well-nigh his optics. Yep, I think it's truthful. Say howdy, mommy!

[waves to security camera]

Hashemite kingdom of jordan Belfort: Say how-do-you-do to Rocco and Rocco! Say hello! Hi, fellas!

Naomi Lapaglia: Fuck y'all!

Jordan Belfort: [narration] Of all the fucking days, she chooses today to requite me blue assurance.

Hashemite kingdom of jordan Belfort: FYI boys, Danielle has promised to use this $10,000 for breast implants. She'due south already got C-cups, only at present she wants FUCKIN' DOUBLE D'South!

Jordan Belfort: I felt horrible. Three days later, I filed for a divorce and moved Naomi into the apartment.

Jordan Belfort: I'1000 not aback to admit information technology. When we arrived to prison, I was absolutely terrified. Merely I needn't have been. Encounter, for a cursory fleeting moment, I'd forgotten I was rich and I lived in a place where everything was for sale. Wouldn't yous similar to learn how to sell it?

Marker Hanna: Second central to success in this racket is this fiddling baby right here. Information technology's called cocaine. It'll keep you precipitous between the ears. It'll also help your fingers dial faster. And guess what? That's adept for me.

Mark Hanna: [reacting to market crash] Holy... fucking... shit...

Jordan Belfort: [offers pen to Chester] You can sell annihilation? Sell that. Sell me that pen.

Chester Ming: Can I finish eating first? I haven't eaten all day.

Jordan Belfort: 25 grand to the starting time cocksucker to boom the bulls-middle!

Jordan Belfort: And if anyone here thinks I'm superficial or materialistic, get get a chore at fucking McDonald'due south, 'cause that'due south where you fucking belong!

Jordan Belfort: [in narration] And so I was sellin' them shit, just the way I looked at information technology, the money was amend off in my pocket.

Marking Hanna: We don't give ii shits nearly how applied science works, 'cause all we intendance about is getting fucking RICH!

Jordan Belfort: But before you depart this room full of winners, I want you lot to take a adept await at the person next to you. Go on. Considering sometime in the non-then-afar time to come, you're gonna be pulling upward at a red calorie-free, in your beat-up old fucking Pinto, and that person's gonna be pulling up correct alongside y'all in their brand new Porsche. With their beautiful wife by their side, who'southward got big voluptuous tits. And who're you gonna be sitting next to? Some icky wildebeest with iii days of razor-stubble, in a sleeveless muumuu, crammed in next to you in a carload full of groceries from the fucking Toll Club. That'south who y'all're gonna be sitting next to!

Jordan Belfort: Babe, I spoke to the lawyers again today. I have some really, really great news. Turns out you're completely off the hook, honey.

Naomi Lapaglia: I know that already.

Jordan Belfort: Right! Exactly. In fact, you never did anything wrong in the kickoff place. Turns out all the FBI really wants from me is to cooperate. You know? Turns out I have so much information about the stock market and Wall Street I tin salvage the government years of heartache. Non to mention countless dollars.

Naomi Lapaglia: Mhmm.

Hashemite kingdom of jordan Belfort: Just it gets even better, babe. Because if I do decide to cooperate I might only looking at four brusk years. In which case, y'all know, we could first fresh. Maybe sell the house. And any fines that I take to pay wouldn't be due until later on I've served my term, so we'd still have plenty of money leftover.

Naomi Lapaglia: Mhmm.

Jordan Belfort: The only thing that of course bummed me out a little bit about this whole thought is having to requite data about my friends.

Naomi Lapaglia: Well, like you said in that location's no friends on Wall Street. Right?

Hashemite kingdom of jordan Belfort: Right! Correct, exactly. So there'southward a silver lining to that likewise, honey. Because they said somewhen anybody's going to take to give data on this case so at the end of the solar day it might not even be a factor.

Naomi Lapaglia: Well that's good news. correct?

Jordan Belfort: Yep! Aye.

Naomi Lapaglia: I'm actually happy for yous.

Jordan Belfort: What do you mean happy for me? Sweetheart, you lot should be happy for the both of united states. Right?

Naomi Lapaglia: Yeah. Right.

Jordan Belfort: Even more fucked was that he got busted for shit that had nothing to with me. Information technology had nil to fucking practice with me. Something about laundering drug money through offshore boat racing and a guy named Rocky Aoki, you know the founder of Benihanna. Benihanna, Beni fucking hanna. Beni fucking hanna!. Why why why god, why would you exist then cruel as to choose a concatenation of fucking hibachi restaurants to take me downwards!

Jordan Belfort: Gentlemen, welcome to Stratton Oakmont. Yous snooks volition at present be targeting the wealthiest 1% of Americans. We're talking almost whales here, Moby fucking Dicks. And with this script, which is your new harpoon, I'1000 gonna teach each and every i of you lot to be Helm fucking Ahab.

Jordan Belfort: It was a madhouse, a greed fest, with equal parts cocaine, testosterone, and body fluids. Information technology got so bad, I had to declare the office a fuck-gratuitous zone between the hours of 9 and seven.

Jordan Belfort: What we're gonna do is this: first we pitch 'em Disney, AT&T, IBM, blue scrap stocks exclusive. Companies these people know. In one case we sucker them in, we unload the canis familiaris shit.

Jordan Belfort: Money doesn't just buy you a better life - ameliorate food, improve cars, improve pussy - it as well makes you a improve person. Yous can give generously to the church or political political party of your choice. You can save the fucking spotted owl with money.

Jordan Belfort: Y'all know, every time someone rises upward in this earth, in that location's e'er gonna exist some asshole trying to elevate 'em down.

Jordan Belfort: Actually, the madness started on our very outset day, when one of our brokers, Ben Jenner, christened the elevator past getting a blow job from the sales assistant. Her name was Pam and to her credit, she did have this amazing technique with this wild twisting jerk movement. About a month later, Donnie and I decided to double team her on a Saturday afternoon while our wives were out shopping for Christmas presents. Eventually Ben married her, which was pretty amazing, considering she blew every single guy in the part. Well, he got depressed and killed himself well-nigh iii years later.

Hashemite kingdom of jordan Belfort: This is our gilded ticket to the fuckin' Chocolate Factory, correct here. And I wanna encounter Willy fuckin' Wonka, okay? I wanna exist with the fuckin' Oompa Loompas!

Jordan Belfort: It turned out the British weren't too unlike from the Swiss. Money talks and bullshit takes the charabanc.

Hashemite kingdom of jordan Belfort: Of grade, after the bachelor party, me, the Knuckles, needed a few penicillin shots so he could safely consummate the wedlock.

Jordan Belfort: So, Bay Ridge, that's near Staten Isle, right?

Naomi Lapaglia: Brooklyn. Across the Verrazano's Bridge.

Jordan Belfort: Saturday Night Fever territory.

Naomi Lapaglia: That'south right! Guinea Gulch. We call the Verrazano's Bridge the Guinea Gangplank.

Jordan Belfort: Then, I presume you're Italian.

Naomi Lapaglia: On my Dad's side. I'grand also Dutch, German, English. I'thou a mutt.

Jordan Belfort: You're a mutt.

Naomi Lapaglia: Yes. I yet have family over in that location, though. In London. My Aunt Emma. She's the all-time. Very British, you lot know. She'south a swish lady.

Jordan Belfort: That explains information technology then.

Naomi Lapaglia: Explains what?

Jordan Belfort: Explains you. I mean, you lot're a duchess right, the Duchess of Bay Ridge.

Manny Riskin: Mind to me, if you piss up the SEC's leg, you terminate up with your tits in a wringer.

Bo Dietl: He'southward a Boy Scout! He thinks yous're fuckin' Gordon Gekko.

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